mindful meditation

I have been trying to learn and practice mindfulness and use mindful meditation to treat anxiety for the past year. Now, my first impulse is to try really, really hard and learn it all really quickly. Unfortunatley trying too hard is a habit that can cause me stress so I have consciencely chosen to be more relaxed about it. I have found that by doing it this way, the process of changing the way I think, feel and live is a lot less difficult than it would have been.

Learning to think and live in a mindful way is the easiest and hardest thing I have ever done. I am as proud of the progress I have made as I am about earning my graduate degree. I climbed a mountain.

Ironically, I don't think that the changes are very visable to others in my life. But I FEEL different. I always feel like I am on the cusp of "getting it". Like I am about to feel "normal" again at any moment if I can just reach the next level of understanding. Understanding what, I am not sure but I feel now like I am on the verge of being a less anxious person.

The problem is, I still feel more anxious than I expect. The good thing is I have made friends with my anxiety and I am not very troubled by this nor do I see it as a failure of any kind. I know meditation and getting back to journal writing (this blog) for "right-brain" exercise (I am left-brained all the way baby!) will help.